Life has been really great to me lately, in a few aspects. But, life has also been so shitty.
I got my driver’s permit yesterday and I was really excited about it. I posted a picture on Facebook and my dad commented “Wow. I bet your dad was so excited when you told him.” So, I forgot to tell him. I’m sorry that I was busy yesterday and it just slipped my mind.
He then proceeded to post an extremely long status about how he never sees or hears from us anymore and how my mom cheated on him and shit like that and I just kinda wanted to cry. I feel like, in his eyes, all I can ever do is wrong. I just screw up left and right and he has to make sure I feel guilty for it. I didn’t get a “Congratulations, Madison. I’m proud to be your dad.” Nothing like that. He doesn’t tell me things like that. He just wants to make me feel bad..
He definitely succeeds. I keep reminding myself that this will all be over after this year. And then I can live freely without worrying what he might think. I just want to feel free. I’ve never felt free. I only feel like I’m on lock down every day that I am home. Whether it’s with my mom or my dad, they both don’t understand and they judge me for every mistake I make. I am the child in the scenario and I feel like right now - I’m not the child. I’m the adult. I’m the adult that is usually just walked on for every damn thing.
Just let me be free from this. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. My plate is full with trying to balance school and homework and good grades and theater and a photography business and a normal social life and enough sleep and pleasing my parents and drive time and love life and I need to find a job and most days, I don’t even know how I’ll get home from school and I’m just so tired.
And they say that these are the best years of your life… Just get me away from home and let me feel full
again for once.