in the dark
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” Madison | I take too many selfies, complain a lot, and thoroughly enjoy puns.
20. October 2014

Finally looking into colleges. I think I can actually do what I love and be successful. 
I hope. I need to work hard for it though. And I’m okay with that.

3.01 Our Father
17. October 2014

I haven’t been on here in months. I haven’t had time to be. 
I’m on fall break right now and I feel like I’m drowning. Things are pretty good, but I’m balancing so much. I have to apply to college and apply for scholarships and I don’t even know how to or what I want to do. I could be a photographer, but I want a career; something that has a set payday. I’m so terrified of slipping into debt.
But, then there’s the other side. If I chose to be a photographer, I probably wouldn’t go to college. Because, what can they teach me that I can’t learn off of an online site or a youtube tutorial? But, if I flat-out chose college, then later on realized that photography is the only thing I can actually do, I’ve wasted money, and I’m already dick-deep in student loan debt.
It scares me.

I don’t want to be stuck at home after high school, either. I want to get out. I feel like I’m thinking realistically, but I also don’t know how I’ll get there. 

I’ll figure it all out in due time, I’m sure. 
I’m thinking about writing journal entries on here again, because writing is nice. 

Life has been really great to me lately, in a few aspects. But, life has also been so shitty. 

I got my driver’s permit yesterday and I was really excited about it. I posted a picture on Facebook and my dad commented “Wow. I bet your dad was so excited when you told him.” So, I forgot to tell him. I’m sorry that I was busy yesterday and it just slipped my mind. 
He then proceeded to post an extremely long status about how he never sees or hears from us anymore and how my mom cheated on him and shit like that and I just kinda wanted to cry. I feel like, in his eyes, all I can ever do is wrong. I just screw up left and right and he has to make sure I feel guilty for it. I didn’t get a “Congratulations, Madison. I’m proud to be your dad.” Nothing like that. He doesn’t tell me things like that. He just wants to make me feel bad..
He definitely succeeds. I keep reminding myself that this will all be over after this year. And then I can live freely without worrying what he might think. I just want to feel free. I’ve never felt free. I only feel like I’m on lock down every day that I am home. Whether it’s with my mom or my dad, they both don’t understand and they judge me for every mistake I make. I am the child in the scenario and I feel like right now - I’m not the child. I’m the adult. I’m the adult that is usually just walked on for every damn thing.

Just let me be free from this. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. My plate is full with trying to balance school and homework and good grades and theater and a photography business and a normal social life and enough sleep and pleasing my parents and drive time and love life and I need to find a job and most days, I don’t even know how I’ll get home from school and I’m just so tired.

And they say that these are the best years of your life… Just get me away from home and let me feel full again for once.

My dad always complains about not seeing us enough or whatever.
So he gets home from work at 12, sleeps until 5:00, then goes downtown on his motorcycle with his girlfriend. I had just told him how I was bored and wanted to leave the house and he just leaves me an my sisters at home so he can go downtown?
I’m so tired of this shit..



(Source: shwagerr, via oxicle)


Ireland, Book Two, Clouds